Part of me feels so blessed and thankful. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life!
The other part of me feels like there has to be something more out there for me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm spinning my wheels...trying so hard to go somewhere, but always ending up in the same place.
There are times when I feel like my creativity is wasted....or maybe just not appreciated. Other times I feel confirmed in the way I use my gifts and talents.
I struggle with wanting to do so many things yet never having the time to do them.
I also know that stretching myself too thin will not do anyone any good....especially me.
I don't know. Maybe some of this is due to the fact that I'm about to grow another year older. But getting older doesn't really bother me anymore...well, maybe just a little. I don't like the wrinkles, spider veins, and aching joints at times. But it's certainly better than the alternative! I've got so much to live for and look forward to!
Maybe I'm not alone in this. As a matter of fact, I'm most certain that I'm not.
I'm a thinker....a soul searcher. I'm the wretch he wrote about in the song, but I'm just dying to be more...to do more for God. But will He let me? Maybe I don't handle what I do now well enough?
I know that Satan loves to whisper in my ear that I'll never be good enough to make a difference for Christ. I have a past. I don't always know when to keep my big mouth shut. I don't always glorify God in even the little things every day.
But me & God....well, we're in a committed relationship. We've been through so much together! Not only did He save my soul years ago, but He has rejuvenated my mind and spirit time and time again.
I've been in this relationship long enough to know that I can't make decisions based on my feelings alone. And I know that I'll feel better soon. I just need to keep pressing on and seeking His face and His will.
In the words of my son recently, "one day more". That's all it takes. Time has a way of healing us from the big hurts as well as the little, unsettling hurts we encounter. The passing of time may go so slowly some days, but with the Lord, a day is like a thousand years! He's still working on me....He has a plan.